Why did I stand on the scales?!? I knew it was a bad idea, but I just couldn’t help myself!!
I could see I was heavy but having a number on it sends my mind into overdrive.
How have I put on 4kg...well actually I kinda know, it’s been Christmas and I’ve been struggling mentally.
It still doesn’t stop the meltdown. Before I know it, I have a mouth full of chocolate and sweets. I convince myself I’m just going to eat half, but I don’t know how to stop. I hit the bottom of the pocket and I’m agitated and don’t feel satisfied...I guess. I don’t really know how to explain the feeling, I just know I need more. So I’m searching the house for any left-over chocolate. I should know better than making these mistakes. I bought 6 bags of sweets that are Christmas specials, so I wanted to have some for after the Christmas period.
I also had a few bars of lindor that I’d bought to make my Yule log and never got around to it. In that moment I felt like I’d hit the jackpot. 5 mins later I hated myself, felt like I was disgusting, didn’t understand why my brain felt like the way to solve the problem of being fat was to eat more shit.
I head to the bathroom to try throw up, but my frustration escalates because I can barely get anything out. I ram my fingers to the back of my throat and nothing. I don’t know why I find making myself sick so hard?! Maybe it’s a good thing in a way but most of the time I think it’s another thing my body is useless at doing. Laxatives and a long fast it is tonight.
I laid in my bed and started to pray, asking God to help me with this problem. My thoughts where so scatty, my emotions all over the shop, my frustration so high, I just don’t get how I got back here. Post worlds I felt like that was the end, I knew weight wasn’t the answer. But I can’t switch of the demon in my head. I eat normal for 3/4 days and I automatically feel fat and just want to fix it. but I only know one way how too.
Oh snap, I realise I haven’t taken a laxative. I jump out of my bed and rustle around frantically!! How could I be do stupid?!? I’ve ran out of the max strength tablets without even realising. I can’t get anything right. I’m not sure if it’s safe to combine 2 different types but I do it anyway.
I lay back in bed and check my training planner. 4 weeks till worlds and 4kg to lose. I didn’t realise I had so little time, how have I let it get so out of control !!
Christmas is such a hard time for me. There’s always food around and people saying to eat, saying try this, offering you that, making you this. It’s intense but I don’t want to draw attention to my battles. How many times can I say no, how many times can I sneak out, how many half full plates can I scrape out before someone notices. They notice when I’m eating more so they must notice when I’m not. I feel like everyone’s staring if I have a sweet treat, every time I pick food up, I can sense the staring. I know it’s because they care, I know it’s because they love me. I don’t know how to tell them, i don’t know how to explain the way the demon in my head makes me feel.
This blog seems as all over the place as my thoughts. I’m sat writing this before reps/efforts and I’m going slow in training. Coach is picking holes, saying this was good, you didn’t do this, but I know it’s because I’m carrying an extra 4kg!!
I thought this battle was all about medals and winning…to an extent it is but winning is more than just a gold medal to me
I wanted to leave this baggage in 2019 but here I am sat here pondering how I fix this. 2020 is such a big year for me, I want to focus on training hard and going fast but my every thought is when should I eat, what should I eat, what I shouldn’t be eating, regretting what I’ve eaten. It’s draining and I just want it to be over. I’m praying I get back to the point where I’m just enjoying sport and my day to day life…